Doin It My Way

December is here and things are a-changing.

I’ve given up my day job, the house is empty and I’m ready to move forward with my plans.

Looking at the way I go about things, I realize I approach things differently than others. I’m the girl who leaves before knowing what’s next. All I know when I make the decision to make a move is that the current situation doesn’t fit me anymore. I’ve never been the best at executing properly laid out plans, you know, the ones that make sense, ones that progress from one phase to the next.

I get way too bored and start to procrastinate. I need a certain amount of stress to move me forward. Sometimes I get way more than I bargain for, but that’s the way I work best. I’ve tried to tame this wild side of myself. I’ve sat down and tried to plot out a timeline, a planned, logical sequence in which things were to occur, I even got help from a friend with years of experience in project management (thanks Bev!!!). But alas, Edwina is going to do what Edwina wants to do.

I’ve tried to change this about myself, but I’m done fighting it. I’m just going to accept that this is the way I work and roll with it. If I need to leave a job before I can figure out what I want to do next, then that is what I’m going to do. If I need to vacate the tenants before I can see the place clearly enough to fix it up and put it on the market, then that is what I’m going to do. Yup, I’m the girl that does her best work late in the evenings. I just realized that I’ve been fighting my night owl nature for years because of all the years of living with Jake and trying to sync up with his schedule. How lame is that?

So I declare, I am giving up trying to live how I think I’m supposed to live and instead, I’m going accept my nature and do it my way.

xo Edwina

Here’s someone else being amazing at doing it their way (goodness starts at 1:15)

Alternate Realities

Do you ever wonder about the alternate versions of yourself out there? I often wonder about a few Edwina’s that could be out there if I’d made different decisions.

I’ve always wondered what I’d be like if my family had stayed in Malaysia. Would I be more disciplined, conforming, normal? Or if we’d been accepted into Australia. Would I be a surfer chick? In an awesome twist of events, maybe I’d work for SDH Architects and I’d be working alongside my bff Lauren right now.

I also often wonder where I’d be if I had auditioned for Cawthra’s dance program. Would I still be best friends with Kim? Would I be a dancer? Could I have ended up being the talent on all those commercial shoots I busted my ass on, instead of being in the Art Department? Maybe I’d be a nurse like Kim – isn’t that what I wanted to be just a few months ago?

All these questions. Today I sit here wondering about the Edwina that got her shit together and went with her meditator friends to India. That Edwina gets to sit a 14 day Vipassana course at Dhamma Giri. She gets to spend six weeks visiting the sacred sites of Gautama Buddha and rings in the new year under the Bodhi tree. How cool is that?

A less exciting Edwina, the one that went to the dentist regularly, would be sitting in her second day of Anapana at the lovely Ontario Vipassana Centre. She’d be surrounded by the friends she thinks of as family, all working towards liberation. She’d get to watch her monkey mind swing and try to develop as many parmis as she could in a place she considers her second home.

Instead here I am. Still bound to Toronto. Still bound by my past karmas because I’ve been avoiding them. Still dreading the dentist (except it’s now a root canal! ugh!) It’s not the worst that could possibly happen by any means. It’s just boring… and you know how this Edwina feels about boring.

*le sigh* 

xo Edwina

Lessons Learned

I was just thinking the other day how cool it is that once we learn a lesson we don’t really need to remember how we learned it.

Think about all the things you know how to do and take for granted because they happen automatically. Like basic math. If someone asked you to add or multiply two numbers together, your brain just does it (not always accurately, but it goes ahead and tries.) You don’t have to think back to the apples and oranges you learned about in school and then try to apply that knowledge to the numbers in front of you. It just happens.

And then there are the things that are more specific to your own life experiences. For me, I can do all kinds of random things without thinking like read a floor plan, ice a cake or cookie, or even pack a cube truck.

These are all things that I had to figure out through some sort of learning process, followed by practice and then voila, I just know how to do them and do so without an overtly conscious effort.

So then, this leads me to thinking about those big life lessons and whether we need to hang onto the stories in order to learn something.

Is there a point where we practice enough conscious effort to learn whatever it is we are trying to learn that we embody that lesson? Will there come a point where without thinking, we will automatically act in the way we’d like to act (stand up for ourselves, speak our minds, be less swayed by our partner, be more independent, worry less, trust our instincts more) without having to connect the lesson to the scenario or person that taught us that we needed to learn a lesson in the first place?

I sure think so. What do you think?

xo Edwina

Like It Never Happened

I just deleted every photo of my ex from my albums on Facebook. You might be thinking, it’s been four years… why were they still there? Some were left because Facebook rearranged the albums every time you updated one (glad they fixed that).  Some were left because I looked pretty. But mostly some of them stayed because I didn’t want to edit reality. I guess I wasn’t ready to move on, it felt like pretend to act as if there wasn’t another person there for all that time.

Well something has shifted. Today I realize that the point of my life is me, it always has been and always will be. No matter who I share my time with, all I have and can walk away with is my own experience, my beliefs and my actions.

It’s so awesome that within a matter of clicks history is altered.

More good things to come: the tenants are leaving (yay!! -finally!!), I’m selling the ring and the house.

By the end of this year, it’s truly going to look like this never happened.

xo Edwina

Be Gentle

My intention for today is to be gentle with myself. That means being kind and soft and loving.

Today I plan on taking every opportunity I can to take care of my health and emotional well being. I’m putting all the planned to-do’s aside and responding to the now. The reality of this moment is that I’m worn out from working a 24 hour shift. My mind thinks I’m fine because I was intent on staying positive. I knew what I was getting myself into and I took it all in stride. I’m proud of myself for being the happy one on set (though much of the happy part came from knowing that I’m leaving the biz). I worked hard, rested when I could, did my job well. It’s just that the human body isn’t meant to be awake or physically active for that long.

Somehow, I’ve gotten the idea that I am strong enough to put in those kinds of hours without having to pay for it in some way. Maybe it came from the constant long days and all nighters when I was a designer. Maybe it comes from the just-get-it-done attitude prevalent in the commercial world. Wherever it came from, I’m realizing now that it’s not right, nor worthwhile or something I ever want to be a part of again. I’m shelving the tough guy attitude for kindness.

It’s been two days and I still feel tired. I had a difficult time with my shift at the gym yesterday. I woke up today with aches all over so I started the day by giving my neck, shoulders and arms an acuball massage. My arms now feel AMAZING! This thing is turning out to be my best friend.

Taking the time for self care has made a difference in my morning. I recall one yoga instructor telling me that the softest soft is stronger that the hardest hard.

So here’s to being soft.

xo Edwina

Struggling For Calm

I’ve been home for two weeks since sitting the Satipatthana course.

The first week back was filled with such ease, calm and Dhamma. I felt like I was pointed in the right direction. I was so confident that walking this path would carry me through the vicissitudes of life. I finally had a daily practice, I was sitting two hours daily.

And then the next week happened.

Ever so slowly I watched my sila slip and with it went my practice. More and more I became unbalanced. Small offences with noble speech turned into larger offences. Lust and passion came into play. And soon followed anger. I wouldn’t say it’s gotten to the point of hatred or ill-will. But it probably could easily slip into it.

It’s been interesting to watch how unbalanced my mind can become. To note how difficult it is to let go of things that are not worth hanging onto. Agitation and negativity so naturally consume once the fire is started.

It’s been difficult to put out these flames.

I spent this Sunday at the centre. As nice as it is to be there working, surrounded by supportive wonderful people, the meditation part was brutal. Sloth and turpor came at me. The urge to run reared it’s head. But I think I made some headway.

The rocking nausea and sharp migraine only peeked their heads for a moment or two. I remember making the decision to be equanimous with whatever came, sickness or pain, I was going to accept it without getting emotionally wrung out. Maybe that did the trick or maybe I wasn’t going deep enough. Either way, it was what it was.

I went, I worked, I sat.

Now I have this week to start again. To keep building this island of Dhamma for myself.

Thank goodness for good friends along the path and OVC.

Everything Unfolding

I am amazed at how naturally everything in my life seems to be unfolding. The more I dedicate myself to this path with daily practice, keeping sila, going to group sits and serving between courses every other weekend, the more my life becomes effortless.

I was just worried that a camping trip I was just invited to would conflict with going up to the centre next weekend. But no, somehow all fun recreational activities seem to be falling outside of the time I’ve said I want to be serving at the centre.

This life has become full of good things. The more I choose to walk this path, the more this path seems to give back.

I think this is a good time to lay out my loose and tentative future plans. I say tentative because these plans aren’t set in stone. I’m open to making changes as things come up, as they inevitably do in life.

September 2012

• start full time work at Joe’s (until April/May)
• start Anatomy & Physiology course at Ryerson (until April)
• put house up for sale (for April closing)

October/November 2012

• apply to UBC Nursing (for Sept 2013 start)

December 2012

• write A&P midterm
• spend four weeks in India – sitting a 10 day course at Dhamma Bodhi, Bodh Gaya and finding somewhere to spend New Years (maybe meditating through the night under the Bodhi Tree?)

April 2013

• finish work contract, school and move out of house
• begin long term service at OVC (3 maybe 4 months?)

June 2013

• fingers crossed I get into UBC Nursing

August 2013

• move to BC

September 2013

• start Nursing Program
• remember to put extra effort into keeping a daily practice while in school (want to sit the 20 day when I’m done)

April 2015

• graduate UBC Nursing

Summer 2015

• sit a 20 Day Vipassana Meditation Course

Then I’m debating two possible streams. One would be going to work in Nunavut for half the year and travel/serve/meditate in Asia for the other half of the year.

Or move back to Toronto and hopefully get a job with the other meditator nurses.

2016/17

• go back to school for NP?

But everything past 2015 is a LOOOOOONG ways away. Who knows what might happen from now until then.

We’ll just see how this all unfolds.

Expectation

The thing I love about going to the Ontario Vipassana Centre is that there are always lesson to be learned.

Here I was thinking I was going to learn to dissolve my ego by spending my birthday at the centre. The plan was to have the day pass without the usual fanfare.

I’d read somewhere that celebrations of holidays, anniversaries and birthdays are not observed because it’s a place to go to meditate and to develop in Dhamma. It’s not a vacation. It’s not a retreat.

And while I had meant to keep my birthday a secret, I accidentally told someone when my birthday was. It came up so naturally. A friend asked me about my astrological sign and as I was concentrating on working in the kitchen I answered without thinking “Cancer, my birthday is tomorrow.” As soon as the words slipped out of my mouth, I could feel my heart beating a little faster – I’d let my awareness slip. I’m not dissolving my ego! I’m not doing what I had planned! But then I thought, this person isn’t going to care. He’s not going to tell anyone. This is Dhammaland, everything that is meant to be will be. I just have to be more aware of my speech.

Well the day passed and I managed not to say anything else to anyone.

The next day, I’d forgotten it was my birthday until I noticed my phone had a bunch of birthday text messages on them. (Text messages come in but I can’t text or call out – another amazing lesson about attachment learned at the Centre, cruel or perfect I can’t decide which.)

After reading each message I had to work again to dissolve my ego. To feel the love, but not get attached or feel any special importance. It is just another day after all.

The day went by quickly with work. Again I managed to forget it was my birthday.

In the evening after our final meditation an announcement was made that we were meant to meet in the kitchen to discuss a situation that has just come to light.

Immediately I got to observe my ego arise – ooh, is it for my birthday? Again, I had to calm my mind, get my ego in check. I reminded myself that celebrations do not happen here. And on top of that, it’s so interesting to see that the first thought arises as soon as someone says anything, we relate it to ourselves. I, I, always with this I, me, my. So self centred. I thought, what if someone got hurt today? What if there’s a real problem and the first thing I’m thinking about is myself?

In the kitchen we all waited around for the meeting to start. I stood leaning on a counter observing my sensations and my mind and how often my thoughts turned to myself. Could it? Yes? –No, maybe –stop. Breathe. Observe sensation.

Then the AT walks in with not one but TWO cakes with candles on it… and everyone starts to sing happy birthday. It was soooo sweet to see the faces of all these servers that I’ve grown to know all smiling at me as I turned to blow out the candles.

This experience taught me to graciously let go of my plans as humble as I thought they were. Maybe they weren’t such humble plans, maybe I was looking for a sense of accomplishment. Maybe my ego just wanted to say – oh look, how humble I am!

All in all, I still learned about this ego I’m trying to detach myself from but I think the great lesson was about walking the middle road. Accepting each moment as it arises. Being harmonious and happy ranks above all. That is what I learned from the kind, loving souls that run the Centre.

A thank you to Virginia, Bill, Bob and everyone else involved in the celebrations. Especially Mishka for paying attention to the details, I don’t think anyone else noticed that I was going to be bed right after the sits.

May you all be happy.

Note: this happened between courses so I guess rules are a little more relaxed. I doubt this would have happened during a course session. It’s also why I had my phone on me.

Older And Just Wise Enough

We’ve just had the most wonderful birthday lunch. We being my sister and I.

It was just like old times, us in our bday dresses, eating birthday noodles (one of the only true traditions in my family) and sharing a birthday cake with the fam. We even cut the cake together. How typical, me hanging onto the knife with my older sis controlling how and where we cut it.

Last year I was adamant about having my own birthday. I was turning 30 and needed the moment to come into my own. I wanted to feel grown up and independent. I wanted my own party, my own cake and my own day. I needed to step out of the shadow of my big sis, of being the baby of the family, of being the girl that needed to be taken care of.

This year is different. On the outside it looks the same as every other year before, sharing a celebration day, a cake and all the fixins. But on the inside, it feels different. It’s a year later and I don’t need to prove my strength, independence or singular entity-ness.

I simply am.

I guess that’s what happens when you truly embody something, you lose the need to prove it to the world or even to yourself.

I love that this birthday was about family and acceptance and stuffing our faces. There is no better way to hang out with the family.

And with that I am off for another stint of meditation. I’ll see you in a few weeks.

xo Edwina

 

Friday Group Sit

I absolutely love the meditation group I get together with every Friday.

We gather, we meditate.

Then we eat, chat, share and laugh.

There is no better way to spend a Friday.